“If want to see change if your life, the change has to start with you” and “You are in charge of your own happiness”, are among some of the motivational captions I frequently see shared on Facebook from motivational/inspirational pages. The trouble I find for me with them is bridging the gap from knowing this in my head and agreeing with it, to actually taking action. This is also known as procrastination, and I’ve had a life long struggle with it. There, I just said it out loud and admitted it. I’ve shared that privately with people I’m close to, but saying it here for me is akin to shouting it on a rooftop for anyone to hear. The theme of preparing to receive what I’m believing God for — the changes I want to see in my life and receiving those changes — has been spoken about repeatedly at my church off and on for the past two years (at least) but again, translating it into action has become a roadblock for me. Surely, I can’t be the only one struggling with this.
I am not happy with where I am in my life. I won’t go into all the reasons why now, but I feel a little strange writing that in this blog because after all this is the internet and someone who knows me may find this, but it’s the truth. I know I want to see changes, and I know what I want to see changed, but I’ve been inconsistent in following through. I also hate admitting that out loud but it’s the truth. I feel like I’m missing something, or maybe (as a mentor told me) I’m waiting for something or someone to come along and make it happen for me. However, I know it’s not going to work like that.
So where do I go from here? I don’t want to be stuck in the same place in life 1 year, 2 years, 5 years from now. The thought of that makes me cringe inside. So what to do? For starters, I’m writing this post. I’m going past “thinking about blogging” to doing it. I don’t have a “niche” in mind yet, but I’m just going to do it. This week, I was faced with a challenge on my job, and its left me with mixed emotions. Dealing with this has left me feeling as though I’m not worthy enough, good enough of an employee because I’m not meeting a particular standard. I won’t go into the details of what the standard is for privacy reasons. However, I realize wallowing in that just causes more damage to the inner me. A voice in me says “You are worth more than that, and your worth is much more than your job”. A dear friend said something so simple but yet so profound to me today. That friend spoke about God’s love for us and how nothing that we do or say will ever change that. “Even on my worst day, God still loves me” he said. He went on to talk about not having to do things to earn God’s love. His statement was a much-needed reminder of this eternal truth. I needed to hear that and it reminded me of something I heard my pastor say this year at the beginning of the year: ”Live like you know God loves you”. Then I remembered that I tweeted about it as well.
I realize the bottom line is the change I want has to start with me, here and now. I have to “get over myself” and press on because no one else is going to do it for me, and I want to begin to enjoy my life. Where do I start? I’ll document some of those steps via this blog for starters. I’ve neglected expressing myself in writing for sometime and getting back to it is something I know help to bring about some of those changes.